A letter to NICU parents
Dear NICU Parent,
First, congratulations on the birth of your baby. I know your head is probably swirling with all sorts of thoughts and emotions. You’ve been thrown into a world you never expected to enter. Maybe your baby was whisked away immediately after birth or unexpectedly they needed to be transferred to the NICU during your time in the maternal/newborn unit. Either way, this is not how you envisioned your baby’s birth. The experience of having to separate from your baby when you thought you’d be spending these precious first few days together getting to know each other feels scary, sad, and sometimes traumatic. And if you are discharged while your baby remains in the NICU, it feels like you’ve left part of your heart behind. I know this is really hard. While it’s something you never wished for, there are a few things you can do for yourself and your baby to make this time a little less painful and overwhelming.
Let’s start with the basics. Once your baby is settled into the NICU ask the staff (likely your baby’s nurse) what are visiting hours, what is the phone number to the NICU and when are good times to call and get an update on your baby. Likely there are no limits to when and how often you call to check in but often nurses have times of day during their shift when they are a little less busy and can spend more time giving you a thorough update on your little one. You can also ask if the neonatologists (the doctors who specialize in the care of babies in the NICU) have typical times when they do their rounds so that you can plan to be present at your baby’s bedside during that time. You may also want to ask about any visitation restrictions (how many people can visit, number of visitors allowed at bedside, age of visitors.) Finally, ask if you are allowed to stay at your baby’s bedside and if you are traveling a distance from home to the hospital are there any accommodations for parents nearby. Your baby’s social worker may be a resource for this as well along with other helpful referrals and support for you and your family while your baby is in the NICU.
I know it can feel like your baby’s care is in the hands of others while they are in the NICU. And this feels like a loss of control, which never feels good as a parent. However, as their parent there are definite ways you can still participate and be an important part of their care, which leads to feeling a little more in control. Ask your baby’s nurse if your baby is up for doing these things with you. You can read a book to your baby or sing softly to them. You can participate in their care at bedside like changing a diaper, feeding them, and doing a bath.
You may also be able to hold your baby, hopefully skin-to-skin, where you hold your baby in just their diaper up against your skin (wear a button-down shirt to make this a little easier). The nurses will give you a swaddle blanket to cover both of you up and keep your baby snuggled and warm against you. Skin to skin holding (also known as kangaroo care) has many benefits in addition to feeling this closeness with your baby. For baby it helps with temperature maintenance, stabilizing heartbeat and breathing, crying less frequently and improved weight gain. For moms it helps with your milk supply and reduces the risk of postpartum depression. And for dads it can help to know you are contributing positively to your baby’s health. Finally, you can offer something to your baby that none of the NICU staff can provide in the same way-your love. A parent’s unconditional love is something your baby will know when you look them in the eye, they hear your voice and feel your touch.
While your baby’s health and care are essential during this time, your healing is important too. I know it can feel like your total focus needs to be on your baby. But right now, you have an opportunity while the baby is in the NICU to heal and recover. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your baby! Place a high priority on getting some extra rest. Especially for postpartum moms, your sleep has likely been compromised leading up to delivery, from discomfort that made sleep difficult to having been in the hospital for a high-risk pregnancy where sleep is often challenging to get. If you are pumping your breastmilk, have your partner wash your bottles and pump parts after you finish so you can get maximum rest in between pumping sessions. Make sure you are eating regularly and healthily and let family and friends prepare meals or pick up food for you.
Finally, keep a close eye on how you are feeling emotionally. Having a baby born with medical issues or admission to the NICU increases your risk of postpartum depression (which can happen to dads too). This doesn’t mean that it will necessarily happen, but you do want to be aware of the signs so that if you start to have symptoms you can get treatment right away. If you notice at any point in the first year after your baby is born changes to your mood, you feel anxious or worried a lot of the time, find yourself thinking frequently about your baby’s time in the NICU where it disrupts your sleep, concentration, or are not feeling like yourself again, please get some treatment by talking to your OB about options.
It can help to know that you are not alone with feeling this way. Consider joining a support group for parents with babies in the NICU-your NICU may offer a group for parents. It also may help to see a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health. This is a therapist who understands the unique challenges of the postpartum phase, what contributes to the emotional changes you may experience and how to support you during this difficult time. And remember that your baby’s NICU team is there to take care of you in addition to your baby. They are there to answer questions, provide updates, involve you in your baby’s care, and offer support to your family.
Warmly, Christine